partybarackisinthehousetonight:
[weight watchers employee voice] i’m sorry sir but i really do not know how many points meth is- no i do not know about the cocaine either
people who have the same name as me are competition
if you try to call me “sweetie” or “honey” or “sweetheart” when we’re arguing may god help you because i will actually scratch your face off
(Source: aquababy)
When I die, I want to be buried with sunglasses on and my hands behind my head. So when I deteriorate, I’ll be the chillest skeleton in the graveyard.
- me: hi i'd like to order sweet and sour chicken, some beef frie-
- chinese restaurant: do u want egg roll
- me: i didn't even finish my order
- chinese restaurant: *to the chef* Zhīfáng měiguó xīwàng dàn juǎn
- me: what
(Source: niknak79)
